November 16, 2019. It was a beautiful morning, surrounded by family and friends coming from Italy to spend some holiday here, in Bristol. Shortly after breakfast, I started feeling very dizzy, my balance was very poor and a terrible headache took control over me. I blamed the strong coffee I’d drunk too early that morning. But I began to feel much worse and after advice from 111 and a visit from the paramedics, I was advised to go to the nearest hospital just to double-check.
While we were at A and E for the doctor to see me, I was looking at my baby sleeping peacefully in his pushchair. When I looked at my husband I could see the terrified look on his face but I did not quite understand what was going on. He just jumped from his seat and shook me and was shouting at me very loud and suddenly I realised I couldn’t move my right side and I was unable to speak to my husband. I started to cry as I`d become incontinent as well and I felt so ashamed. I remember everyone coming and trying to helping us but in my head, I was only spinning. Everything happened so fast. I was screaming so loud trying to making myself understood as I wanted my husband and my baby to be with me but no one understood me.
What was even more frightening for me was the moment when the doctor told me that though all the symptoms were showing a clear stroke, my MRI scan was normal. They transferred me to the stroke unit department and more specialist doctors came to visit me. By the next day afternoon, my speech was normal, only my headache and my right side body didn’t recover and so the doctors diagnosis was Functional Neurological Disorder. I never heard of it, I didn’t know how or why it happened to me. My right side body was just “dead” no feeling at all. Just numbness and painful and an ice cold feeling. The recovery therapy started days after and we focus on my mobility but also my mental health needed support as I was becoming so sad and very worried about my life and how I could manage something that I still struggle to understand.
Sadly, soon I was about to face the scary emotional part of this diagnosis as I came home. Three young children and a toddler is not quite an easy job. Thank God I was blessed with the best husband in the whole world! He was there for me, looking after me, washing me, feeding me, supporting me on each step to my recovery. But all of this made me feel useless and I was fighting daily not to get depressed. Every morning after my husband and children left off work and to school, I started crying. My body was in pain, my head was in pain and my emotions were in pain. I was looking at my baby and I couldn’t hold him in my arms or bend to play with him. I was unable to cook a simple dinner or to wash before my husband was coming back from work. And the worse part: I was alone! I felt so isolated, no friends, no family around, no one.
Functional Neurological Disorder can destroy a person’s ability to work; socialise; make plans; and participate fully in life. It becomes a very lonely and isolating illness. I did not want my children and especially my husband to feel my struggle as he already had enough on its plate. I became very fragile emotionally, I lost my self-esteem, my confidence and the plan to recover wasn`t working anymore.
At that point, Home-Start came as a blessing into my life. I must admit I was skeptical at the beginning as I was scared someone will see how fragile I was but I decided to give it a chance to see how things could work for the better.
And it worked! From the beginning, Jane (Home-Start volunteer) and I felt like we knew each other since forever. Jane’s warmth and dedication to volunteering helped me recover emotionally. With Jane’s support, I felt more and more secure, stronger and from day to day, I began to smile again. Jane helped me understand that there is nothing wrong with receiving help and support. Shame and helplessness disappeared when Jane looked at me with encouragement and hope. And so, Jane became part of my family. Regardless of the hard times, the world is going through now, because of Covid-19, Jane has never stopped encouraging me and offering me her support. The days she calls me are a blessing to me, fresh air to me, and my pain. I think daily how I could reward her because words are not enough to express the gratitude and respect I feel for her and the Home-Start team and suddenly, I realise that my only gratitude is for me to recover, to be strong and to be who I used to be, to shine again. And I’m sure Jane won’t let me take a break until it’s done and I love her for that!